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For Ellie's #1 fan, CrumbCake.

I have a confession. For the last few months I've fallen off the blogging wagon. A lot has happened in the world since my last post, but I'll be better. If not for me and my piece of mind... then for Cliff. My one fan. ;-)

Have you ever felt like you live more inside your head than you do in real life?

My favorite part of being a writer is the legal right to daydream. Fantasize. It's an outlet severely under underutilized. There was a Greys Anatomy episode where one of McDreamy's back pain pts uses porn as a means to alleviate and distract himself from pain. Remember this one, guys? there was a power outage and Christina had to tell him naughty nurse stories?

DayDreaming gets me through a lot. Kinda like Dr Dorien in Scrubs... sure as a romance author it's less slapstick and more kissing but you get the idea. When shit hits the proverbial fan, fantasizing myself or my characters out of whatever mess we've found ourselves in helps ease anxiety, stress, and sometimes if I do it right... ends in a smile or HEA. At least until it's wine o'clock and my kids are in bed.

Five years ago I had no idea how being an author would 'change' me. I'm still the same witty nihilist waiting for the universe to prove me wrong with good juju... but I never knew how writing would turn me into a helplessly self aware human being.

I've come to believe its from hours of daydreaming, character development and writing from deep POV's. I write bits of myself into every heroine. Good traits. Flaws. I think it's inevitable for an author know more about themselves with each person they create on the page.

You might think.. Hey, knowing who you really are has to help you get what/where you want in life.

Well that's a big fat no. Being way too self aware is draining. It's knowing that a significant chunk about yourself are the kinds of things others see (or readers learn about thru a story) that aren't really likeable. As an author it's your mission to turn those 'unlikeable' traits into something readers see as identifiable: oh, the heroine has trust issues and comes across as a frosty B... Having the character overcome that is a tidy little internal character arc.

As a regular person, knowing those things puts you in a pressured position. Do i need to change? Do i want to? What happens if I don't? I sometimes sit there paralyzed by the fact I know too much about ME. It makes me terrified that I'm teaching my daughters to only see a dark cloud without a silver lining. thankfully my 4 yr old doesnt listen and my 9yr old is dang near perfect.

So in short. If you ever find me muttering to myself - there is a pretty good chance I'm dreaming up a sexy, sappy, or fun scene. But if i look terminally unhappy. Help a sister out and bring her some chocolate and kitten Memes.

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